Official Division Predictions 2009

I just want to see how wrong I’ll be.

Actual predictions and pretty pictures are after the jump. (I do have AL predictions, I just don’t like their logo.)

West:

Giants. Out of all the teams in this sorry division, they’re the ones that depress me the least. So I’m picking them to finish first — even though any team except the Padres could conceviably run away with the title. It’s all about the luck, people. Speaking of which, if you know what’s going on with Noah Lowry, shoot me an email or send me a tweet. I think their rotation currently is set to be Lincecum-Johnson-Cain-Zito-Sanchez, but I’m just not feeling it with Sanchez for some reason. Hey kids, don’t get exertional compartment syndrome.
Dodgers. I will take a lot of flak for this, but I feel like they aren’t nearly as well put-together as they could be. I also feel like the combination of Torre and Colletti has the unique ability to not look like idiots after signing ridiculously overpriced veterans, which isn’t good for a team at all.
Diamondbacks. They don’t have the hitting to support their mostly awesome pitching.
Rockies. They’re okay, I guess. They have Troy Tulowitzki, Huston Street, and not much else.
Padres. Let me put this politely — they suck.

Central:

Pirates. The Central divisions are such a crapshoot this year that basically nobody at all is going to get it right. So I’m going with the randomness pick. Plus, Nate McClouth looks exactly like what you’d get if you crossed Ollie Queen and Clark Kent. (Yes, I just compared a baseball player to Smallville characters. Deal.)
Cubs. They’re too good to finish out of the top 2, but they’re not winning the Wild Card. They do, however, have The Terrible Ted Lilly Of The Valley Of The Shadow Of Death.
Cardinals. They have Rick Ankiel, who is cool. They also have Khalil Greene, who isn’t very cool but who is pretty good. They also have that dude who stole Chase Utley’s MVP award.
Brewers. I can’t name a single pitcher on this team right now. Well, okay, I can name Trevor Hoffman and Yovani Gallardo. But that’s it. However, Ryan Braun’s t-shirts and Prince Fielder’s buffet tables should be enough to keep them out of the cellar.
Astros. Roy Oswalt is the difference between 5th and 6th for this lowly ballclub.
Reds. They’re just really, really bad. I don’t even have anything else to say about them.

East:

Phillies. Chase Utley. Jimmy Rollins. Jayson Werth. Brad Lidge. JA Happ. This, ladies and gentlemen, is a club that can win it all again. Interpret my grammar however you wish, but I like the Phillies to win here.
Marlins. Hey, am I dead yet, Mets fans? The Marlins’ pitchers are poised to blow everyone else out of the water, and they could perhaps even take 1st if the Phillies don’t spend every spare moment looking over their shoulders.
Mets. They will implode and be eliminated from playoff contention about a week before the season ends … at home … by the Nationals.
Braves. They do not have a championship-caliber team. But they do have Jordan Schafer, who is hot, and Chipper Jones, who is actually Larry Wayne Jones III and one of the best hitters ever to play the game.
Nationals. They won’t finish more than a couple games behind the Braves, who won’t be that far behind the Mets, who will be quite a ways away from the Marlins.

West:

Athletics. Nobody cares about any of the four teams in this division, so I feel like I’m pretty safe saying whatever I want here. The A’s are just as lame as the Angels, but they are tied with the Marlins for the coolest color scheme in all of baseball. Other predictions: Duchscherer is gone by the trade deadline, and I finally learn how to spell his name just in time to write a post about it.
Angels. See above. Lackey’s arm fell off.
Rangers. Lame. I don’t care about their offense, they’re lame.
Mariners. Like the Rangers, but with many fewer good hitters.

Central:

Royals. Luke Hochevar totally almost wins the Cy Young (he’s promoted from AAA when he strikes out every batter he faces in 5 and 2/3 innings). Keep reading to find out who takes first place!
Indians. Grady Sizemore is cool. Their bullpen is good, but might not have many leads to protect. Also: CHOO, SHIN-SOO!
Twins. Joe Mauer’s sacroiliac joint fell off. Without him, they have nothing.
White Sox. Not quite as bad as the …
Tigers, who will finish last because they’re cool like that. Maybe. Other predictions: D-Train kicks his leg so high his pitching coach has a heart attack, and Miguel Cabrera hits 43 home runs but finishes the season with only 48 RBI.

East:

Red Sox. Way too much talent and awesomeness to finish anywhere other than first, even in this insane division. Jon Lester and Jed Lowrie and Jason Bay and Jonathan Papelbon are just so much better than you are.
Rays. Evan Longoria will once again be booed everywhere but the Trop, because he’s the best player on a team full of amazing players who are seriously primed to grab the Wild Card after losing to the Sox on the 163rd game of the season.
Yankees. There’s lots of things that this team can do, but the youth on the Sox and the Rays will give those two teams the edge they need to make it through the season and stay healthy.
Orioles. Because once Brian Roberts heals up, he’ll have a quietly awesome season but be somewhat outshone by Nick Markakis and Matt Wieters. The three of them will somehow manage to keep the team in contention up until August.
Blue Jays. Because Roy Halladay is one of the best pitchers in baseball who just happens to be stuck on one of the worst teams in baseball.

Sound off in the comments, please. Tell me why I’m wrong.

Potentially Amoral