08
Feb
09

Barry Zito is the Sexiest Idiot Ever

Alright, so, everyone knows that Barry Zito can’t pitch anymore. Everyone knows that he’s the most overpaid fifth starter in history, and so on and so forth. For the past couple of years, these overwhelming failures on the field have been overshadowing something much more impressive: He might also be one of the most adorable pitchers in history.

My neighbor does that with a sack of coffee beans. He tried to teach me, and trust me, its damn hard.

My neighbor, Spencer, does that with a sack of coffee beans. He tried to teach me, and trust me, it's damn hard.

And here, look, no wonder he can’t pitch well:

He sleeps. Im not sure whats written on the inside of his hat.

He sleeps in between innings. I'm not sure what's written on the inside of his hat.

And when I search for “Barry Zito” on Yahoo Images, this is the first photo that shows up:

Zito and Alyssa Milano. She bores me.

Zito with his girlfriend — ex-girlfriend? I've lost track — Alyssa Milano. She bores me, and her dress is hideous.

And it seems like we have something in common: An affinity for crazy self-portraiture.

Quite possibly one of the most brilliant pictures ever taken at Angel Stadium. (Cmon, its funny.)

Quite possibly one of the most brilliant pictures ever taken at Angel Stadium. (C'mon, it's funny.)

A final thought and my personal favorite photo (from the press conference introducing him and his unreasonable contract):

I took all their money and now theyre blaming me. Damn.

"I took all their money and now they're blaming me. Damn."

I challenge you, readers, to explain this: Why is Barry Zito so bad?

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This work by Natalys Crane and Talya Calder is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.

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we make no claims…

...about the accuracy of the information presented here. For example, Crane may write something like "Ollie Perez, ERA 2.44", when his ERA is actually 4.22. Because Crane thinks he's just oh so cute and sweet, and she really wishes he weren't on the Muts. Er, Mets.

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