Official Awards Predictions 2009 (Complete With Top 5 Voting)

Figured I’d follow up my divisional predictions with the awards coverage I said I’d have.

Because I’m mean, I’m going to make you follow the jump. You can’t resist the urge to figure out why this post is tagged with “Luke Hochevar”! You know you can’t!

Official Division Predictions 2009

I just want to see how wrong I’ll be.

Actual predictions and pretty pictures are after the jump. (I do have AL predictions, I just don’t like their logo.)

Introducing: Your 2009 Europa Eccentrics

I have to warn you all that this is my first year running a fantasy team, so I might fail epically… but I’m pretty sure I’ll have fun. I’m in a Yahoo! public league, roto 5×5 (BA, RBI, RS, SB, HR, W, K, ERA, SV, WHIP), with 11 other teams. It was an autopick draft, and I had my priorities a little bit messed up — but without further ado, I present: Your 2009 Europa Eccentrics (with their 2008 stats in italics)!

Hitters:

• C: Joe Mauer .328 BA, 9 HR, 85 RBI, 98 RS, 1 SB

I literally have nothing bad to say about this guy.

Team USA Roster Rundown!

Catcher:

• Brian McCann. I know the dude’s on the Braves, but he can hit. I don’t know if he can catch, but he can certainly hit. He posted a .301/.373/.523 line in ’08, good for his second Silver Slugger award and his third consecutive All-Star selection. Ian Kinsler and Hanley Ramirez round out his ‘Similar Batters’ list on B-R, and Yogi Berra shows up on the ‘Similar Batters through Age 24’. Not bad, eh?
• A.J. Pierzynski. Love the name, hate the player. Well, not ‘hate’ per se, but he’s awfully annoying (and I don’t even care about the White Sox). He should be the primary backup, if there is such a thing.

First Base:

• Kevin Youkilis. I really can’t stand this guy and his batting stance, but he’s a good enough player. If he goes into a slump, then there’s always Mr. Playoff Miracle himself…
• …Evan “E-Lo” Longoria. It might seem slightly weird to see him playing first base, but he can’t do too much damage there. I mean, if Ryan Howard and Prince Fielder can “field” this position without causing irreparable damage to the psyche of everyone around them, then I’m sure that the reasonably smart and extremely athletic Longoria can manage just fine. Plus, he’s got as close to a porn star name as you’ll find on this roster, and some people think that’s hot. Don’t worry, I won’t judge you.

Second Base:

• Dustin Pedroia. The really awesome tiny guy who swings from his heels and is good at everything will find a way to make the opposing pitchers uncertain about their depth perception.

See? He's just so small-looking.

Guy who broke Chase Utley’s hand signs new deal

He’s taller than Cha Seung Baek, but shorter than J.A. Happ. He’s a bit more roly-poly than Aaron Cook, but less roly-poly than the Roly-Poly King himself, Joe Blanton. He’s funnier than Dan Uggla, but unsurprisingly really boring compared to Jonathan Papelbon. He’s a lot less famous than John Lennon, but a little bit more famous than Kevin Mench’s Eagles tattoo. Who is he? John Freakin’ Lannan! And everyone cares!

Do your shoulders hurt just looking at the scapular whatever on that delivery? If they don't, you're a cyborg. Or an idiot. Or you're Chase Utley and your fourth metacarpal bone still feels like hell.

Barry Zito is the Sexiest Idiot Ever

Alright, so, everyone knows that Barry Zito can’t pitch anymore. Everyone knows that he’s the most overpaid fifth starter in history, and so on and so forth. For the past couple of years, these overwhelming failures on the field have been overshadowing something much more impressive: He might also be one of the most adorable pitchers in history.

My neighbor, Spencer, does that with a sack of coffee beans. He tried to teach me, and trust me, it's damn hard.